Last week I told you the story of my son, William. I explained from top to bottom as best I could the struggles we have faced in his journey. What I didn't really touch on too much is the day-to-day of being a parent of a child with autism. Yes, there's the big fights and perseverance through all the large issues. But there's a lot that goes into the every day routines that is affected by Will's ADHD and autism as well.
One of the largest things is routine. We struggle with this constantly because we are not a structured household. We like to chill, eat when we're hungry, play when we want, go to bed when we're tired. It has been difficult for me to try and keep a set schedule, but it's important for kids with autism. They rely on stability and routine. So I try to at least keep a couple of things set at a particular time; breakfast/dinner, blood sugar checks, bed and shower times are the main ones. Occasionally, I will let Will stay up late to watch a movie on the weekends, but we pay for it dearly the next day. He throws tantrums, screams, is disobedient and sometimes even hits. It's so hard because he can be really mellow for a few days and so I want to reward him by letting him do something he wants, but it makes it really hard when we have to deal with the aftermath. Keeping a schedule has also been shown to help any kid, even without autism/ADHD/etc. So if you have a child that is combative, has sleep issues or has a hard time learning, try keeping a stricter schedule for a week or so and see if it makes a difference.
Will is also very stubborn. When he decides he wants something, he is resolute. He will fight, scream, cry and negotiate to the bitter end. This has become a delicate balancing act for us. I have learned to literally pick my battles. I know that's what every parent tells their children who are becoming parents, but when it gets to the point that you can have full conversations with your child, it is the best advice you will ever get. We learn to cope, and we learn when it's okay to give in and when we have to stand our ground with our decisions. Here are a couple of tricks I have learned over time that keep a happy kid and a happy mommy:
-When we go to Walmart, we always get the kid cart with the seats. It's a pain in the rump to push around, but it makes for a much happier kid that has to sit through grocery shopping. Happy kid, more exercise for mommy, everybody wins! He still hates it, but at least he can relax while we're doing it. The best trick I've learned to reward him that has changed everything (and saved my wallet) is that if he's good at Walmart or for whatever I'm rewarding him for, I take him to the dollar store and let him pick a toy. He knows that he can have ANYTHING on that wall of toys, and to him, that's like magic. He doesn't realize it's only a buck, that I can grab some change from my car to reward him. And he loves those silly little cheap toys. (Plus, when it breaks a day later, it's not frustrating to us as parents because it only cost $1)
-Choices, choices, choices. When you give a child the ability to choose things for themselves, it empowers them and gives them a voice. I'll pick Will's pants but put out 2 or 3 shirts so he can decide what he wants to wear. I'll give him a couple choices for dinner so he has a say. Think of it like this: if it's not really a life-changing decision and any choice made will result in getting the job done, let the kid make it. It teaches them that they matter. So who cares if he's not wearing the sneakers you wanted him to wear or if he's wearing swim goggles and a snow hat to the store? When did it become okay to stifle a kid's creativity and deny them a say in the way a family operates?
-Once in a great while, I just get him the toy. I know that some people might say that's bad parenting, but I know my child, and I know the signs of a major meltdown. I also know if he's been well-behaved enough to deserve the toy. I think this is kind of spurred by the fact that he's an only child. If we had more kids, I might not have adopted this mentality. But as it is, we spoil our baby when we can!
-Compromise. This is especially how we handle food and Will's diabetes. He might want that giant chocolate chip muffin, but instead we give him half or a quarter and something with protein or low carb to make him happy. It has taken some time, but Will has become very accepting when we tell him "you can't have that, it has too many carbs". Sometimes it's rough. Sometimes you look at his little face and just wish you could let him have that pizza or cookie or candy. I think that the compromise is just as much for me as it is for him. It makes me feel better that I can give him something instead of nothing at all.
-Keep your cool. Getting upset only fuels Will's tantrums, so I have learned to count to 10, take a deep breath, and handle the situation with a level head. It's so hard sometimes. If you're stressed, can't pay bills, car needs repairs, you're PMSing, someone put dirty clothes in with the clean clothes and put something away wrong when they did the dishes, you stubbed your toe and your nose is running.... it can be hard not to lose your shit when your kid flips a cup of almond milk all over the kitchen floor. (This didn't just happen to me or anything) BUT, as I looked between my son's and my husband's terrified, meltdown-expecting faces, I closed my eyes, counted to 10, and said in a calm and soothing voice, "It's okay, it was just an accident. Please go get a towel to clean it up." Two very relieved and calm guys were my reward for keeping it together. It's an eye-opener when your family is waiting for you to freak out when something happens. Guess what? The milk got cleaned up. Nobody was bleeding or hurt in any way, and life has gone on happily with no adverse repercussions from that milk getting spilled.
-Let him tantrum. will.i.am and Britney Spears had it right: "scream and shout and let it all out". Sometimes that's the only way. It sucks, especially if it's in public, but every once in a while that is how he gets things out of his system and then he can move on and function a lot better.
-Chocolate. Not for him. For me.
We just take things day by day, handle situations as they arise and we are as happy as we could possibly be. I enjoy my quiet moments while Will's at school, and I soak in all the moments I have with him by my side. It's exhausting sometimes, and it's stressful at points. I am lucky to have a great partner in my husband who seems to know that exact moment to take over when I'm at the end of my rope.
If any one of my little tricks helps even one person, I'll be a happy girl.
Thanks for stopping by again!
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